2007-201(?)

dear blogger

i hope i really did get the job , hope they inform me when to start :/ lol & i hope i dont need to pay my phone bill or needa give them money now . i mean its for my poly , if i dont work i dont think they will give me any money to buy new clothes . poly leh , cannot wear anyhow one =.=

and things kinda get way shittier . as days goes by i realised how shitty the problem i had in front of me all these time . to think for the 2nd or 3rd time , i think its quite weird for me to be under my father's custody but ive been living with my mum eversince they're divorced . but i really want to live with my father tho . i want to start afresh with my brother and father . i know things are just fucked up for us .

i have a father who lives at his workplace and any of my family members including me rarely gets to meet him & i have a brother who is a tranny and have been living on his own since he was 18 & also rarely gets to meet him . i know they are so lost , they just do what they've always been doing and cant think about the future . i know they need some guidance and be controlled . but it sucks , when i really wanna try to help but realised that i just cant do anything . i know little things can help a bit but i guess not for my case . maybe im younger than them , so they dont really listen and take my words seriously .

i cant help but blame my mother for all these . even my aunt said so , even my friends too when i told them about the whole thing . i just hate her , i dont wanna live with her . whats worse is that her new husband is also getting fucked up as days goes by . they're expecting me to work and use my own money for my school fees and also provide for myself . i did work early this year , not obeying them but bcos i dont wanna see their fucking faces and furthermore maybe trying to train myself to provide for myself so when i start on my permanent job next time i can live on my own and not see their faces again .

but then something unfortunate happened , my grandma whom took care of me when i was small & i was close with was admitted to ICU . it was really torturing to see her in that kind of state , i keep on breaking down & i swear that was the only time when i really 'doa' to allah damn a lot to save my grandma bcos no one could handle it if she is gone . i made up my mind to quit work cos i wanna be by my grandma's side all the way . i mean you can find work anytime but if your loved ones is on the verge of dying , thats the only time you will have to see them .

for 2 weeks i went to the hospital consecutively , overnight there for a few days too . the irritating part is , my fking mother can actually think that i went out with my friends & even overnight with them =.= ! she's also mad bcos i quitted my job , WTF SHE'S JUST A PERSON WITH NO FKING HEART , THERE I AM CRYING EVERY SINGLE NIGHT COS I DONT WANNA LOSE MY GRANDMA , THERE SHE IS THOUGHT THAT I WENT OUT HAVING FUN . THE FUCK ? but thank god my grandma is fine now , just that the doctor said the sickness will come again so we will be expecting the whole thing to happen again . but i really hope it wont happen again .

so just recently i went out to look for a job again , my mum said that 'want to work for what later you will quit after a few days' . seriously ? she thinks that i quitted for fun . what the actual fuck ? & her husband also the same , want me to work only and get my own money so i can pay for my own stuff so dont need to use theirs .

i just wanna get out of this house and start afresh with my father and brother . my mum dont need me . my father and brother needs each other . i pity myself for being in sucha situation . life is so unfair . i dont want my father to be skinny & growing white hair so fast cos thats what i realised when i finally saw him at the hospital visiting my grandma , which is his mother lul =.=

i really hope things will be fine , it gets really frustrating when a bunch of problems came at a time .