im confused

this is totally making me feel insane . i can't believe what im thinking about myself now . argh foook . maybe i thought that i was a bisex cos im influenced by my brother's gay-ness . but what ive done cant explain it all . i've sucked girl's breast , my cousin & my 22 year old aunty before when i was young . young at the age of 8/9 freaking years old . i did that when they were sleeping , without they noticing it & i think i've " raped " them . im sucha freaking disgusting desperate to suck kinda " girl " . & now , i think im hard to start a relationship with guys . i've tongue-wagged with my cousin who is a girl before & that's really making me sound a lesbian . what's more , i did this when i was young . ive started all this when i was young & it gives me a nightmare thinking about it back . all that ive done was such a sinful act . yeah girl on girl . keeping this secret between myself for so long & now , im letting it all out . i dunno , maybe im a desperado . i dont know whats the thing that makes me think about all the long forgotten disgusting stuffs ive done back . i think i should be frank to myself . & also to accept my disgusting behaviour . im totally ashamed of myself for doing this . why cant i just really really really like guys & prolly , start a reationship . yeah it sounded so " durh stop it ! " but why cant i accept the guy who wanna start a relationship with me ? why do i keep turning them down ? what fafa said bout me was true . im stupid to turn guys down . i gave 43527462378 freaking lame excuses not wanting a BGR . talking about butch makes me go wild . what's been running in my head is totally making me confused . i don't understand myself . i don't really look at boys . yeah i do judge them cute hawt adorable & whatever sh!ts but i look at them only when they're intrested in me , like heck care bout them . but i too don't look at girls , 100% girls i mean . i favour those butch , dunno why . im a totally confused person & pleaseeeeeeeee , i wanna learn to like , adore boys & thinks that they will be the ones who is my so-called my all , the ones who i will always need & all those mushy2 stuffs like what those freaking girls said about their boys . awright , i think imma confused person . maybe i dont like girls neither do i like boys but not a homo , please . i shall learn to be a flirt ( to guys ) & say those freaking mushy mushy things to them ! or maybe should i just heck care bout people around me ? maybe god created me this way & devil is making me more worse than ever . i hate the fact that im such a despo to suck a girl's breast & tongue-wagged a girl before . i have this feeling of like desperate to smooch girls & suck them since i was small . but , i shall start anew . i will play hard to get . i'll make sure i won't follow my brother's step & lead me into a Bisex life . now , im so ashamed to face all of you . saw me , act like nothing had happened . wanna say something bout my disgusting behaviour ? tag me . whatever happens , just let it happens , i'll leave everything to god . i cant accept the fact that im like that . im disgusted of myself . yeah i know you will be like " then why you post about this ? " cos i don't wanna keep this thing running through my head & keep everything to myself . yeah some of you may go " eeee ya . ew ew ew ew ew & ew " but , i neeeeeeed help , someone please tell me what to do & what's supposed to be done . nah i wont suck your freaking breast . ive regretted my what ive done , sinful act . i think by letting it all out in my online diary would make me more at ease . i invited only the 5 of you who are reading this . yes JR , mel , adilah , anthea & jam . keep my fcuking secret to yourself . i don't wish any of you to talk to me about this thing . if you don't accept for what i am i shall heck care . i won't talk about this anymore .