2007-201(?)

hi me dont really loike today . as per usual if i were to follow my stepfather , it will be dead awkward for me . okay i know this year is just my 2nd time with him/them but i guess it will just be the same . i dont talk to some random stranger & its really awkward when the whole family already knows each other & they are just doing their thing & im here a freaking newbie just stoning there =.= k i dont really know how to explain it but yeah

well the people there is nice , very nice but y'know they've been together as a family & i totally feel extra . now i've made up my freaking mind that i wont follow my stepfather again . next year i rather be at home eating/tumblring than going out with a family that is like a complete stranger to me . i just dont like the feeling . i hate it . but in a way i feel bad cos im like stopping my stepfather from following them . but even my younger brother cannot take it . ugh this kind of family stuff is just so sensitive or idk what word to use . the whole day i kept on tweeting & udating my fb on how dreadful i was towards the trip & how desperate i am to go back home .

i realise when im getting older & older , that 'Raya' feeling is fading away each year . idk mansxz is not really that kind of joy i used to feel last time . to me now raya is just another day , but with some special clothes or whatever . or maybe its because there's a new family & the way it goes changes so im kinda tired of it . even raya money i dont really give a fcuk . but yeah seriously money is not everything , i know money can make me happy by going shopping but i think its like second priority . without that comfortable feeling , i really dont give a shit about anything & what i want is just to be home =.=

k i cannot stop bragging about this . i know last year my blog post during raya was worse cos i almost cried due to the loneliness & how awkward it was being with strangers . k enough . i dont wish to upload any pics cos i look LIKE SHIT =.= idk why im sho lazy to look my best today . i hope this saturday will be better cos going out with mum's side , so yeah .

&& my father didnt pick up my call . called him but he didnt text me or call me back :( wanted to talk to him with my younger bro as well but dont why he didnt respond back . i want my father to know i really love him so much eventhough we rarely meet & also if he feels that he's in a dark time , he is not alone & im here dying to be with him & take care of him & just everything ! heeeesh dont want to recall back previous raya , make me so :( so ayah , ingat saiyidah sayang ayah ! & sadat pun okay ! harap ayah okay !

think i must do well for O's to make my father proud . not to make my mum or stepfather but my father to be proud . but just now at my stepfather's side , all of the kids there did really freaking well for O's & in really good school . i must not lose face hahah at least a poly pls .

hmmm quite a long post , anw i havent count the money yet . but havent finish visiting sial , i still got 2 more sides to go , mum's side & father's side . today also im the one who wants to go back early & in the end making my parent go home also , trip not complete =.= but yeah i cannot take it nvm i can work my ass off after O's to get $$$