kill her ? then im crazy

i thought of publishing my draft but i think my emotion were over the limit until what i have typed out doesn't really make sense & may just appear like - " huh ? " to you . so i just type whatever comes into my mind . this feeling , like whoa . i've never felt this before . it's like feeling so angry , sad and confused at the same time & when you felt it , you felt as if there's something which trying to poke your heart at the bottom , or should i say something poking from the bottom of your heart ? i know you would get confused , or maybe find it somehow like lame & thinks im mentally retarded . but just wanna let it out abit , cos i know letting it out here won't be satisfying . im seriously pissed off by my mother . i even feel like killing her , i don't know why . i just want my own privacy and everything which i wish for . i don't even know if i care about my parents . yeah yeah i do love them but i always don't think about their feelings , their problems , their sacrifices for me & my siblings . i somewhat & somehow pity my father . even brother felt that too . i think my mother is a freaking b***h . she just left my father like that . she told my brother that she & my father are going to re-married ( ? ) again last year . until now , she don't keep her words & still in touch with my so-called stepfather . father is sucha patient man . mother still have the heart to take care of stepfather even though my stepfather was once angry at her & you know , scold her & argue & stuffs . i just don't understand my mother . sometimes , i even feel like stabbing her . fcuk , you're crazy yidah . but still , my stepfather had a stroke & i don't know if i should pity him or feel that he deserves it . then , there's another problem about my house until im sooooo freaking pissed off by her . that house is not going to have a nice environment for me . i just don't know which word describes the best to explain it & how am i gonna put it into words for you to understand & also , what im feeling till it's so damn complicated . this heart feels like it's gonna burst & explode . i don't understand my parents . i don't know what the heck do they want & what are their plans for their future . yet , my brother had made a big problem to us . ruined the family's reputation . & i can't help it when outsiders are so busybody & wanna know about those stuffs & wanna so-called advice us when we don't feel like we appreciate it , even if we need it , we're not sincere towards their
" kindness " . what i want now is just privacy & what i want , that's mainly money . i don't know why money is always in my mind . im so money-faced . exam is starting on monday and i can still go for dance for NDP at ITE Simei just now . i don't think i treat school seriously . i just think DANCE is more important . i priorotise Dance over studies . cos i enjoy dance more , like durh . even right now , i can alrdy tell how my results is gonna be like . totally horrible . sometimes , i feel like wanna surrender myself & give up . i know im always being looked down because my math sucks . sucks real lots . i don't how it's gonna be like later on . i just hope i could cope with it & im happy with it .



& it's been 5 months . i can't forget about you . indeed , the first one is always hard to forget . this heart ache , so much . maybe i just don't belong to you . if only you could read my mind & know what i really think of & feel for you .